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Bean There/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Hey. Brent Leroy: Look at that view. You can see for miles. Lacey: Yep. Not much to see, but you can see it for miles. Brent: I'm just saying it's panoramic. You got the fields, you got the sky. Lacey: Two things and you're back to sky. Brent: All right, it's monoramic. But it is peaceful. Lacey: Yeah, I suppose. Big peaceful truck. Fat, peaceful guy getting out of the truck. Brent: Well, I'm all panorama-ed out. Lacey: Yep. Hank Yarbo: Look at that car. Huh? Can you imagine me in one of those? Brent: Uh, no. I could imagine someone telling you to stop leaning on theirs. Hank: I could save up and buy a Lamborghini. Wanda Dollard: You'd have to save up to buy a linguini. You can't afford that magazine. I shoulda said magazini. Linguini, then magazini. Aw, that would have been great. Can we do it again? Brent: No. If you wanna shoot for the moon, go ahead. Hank: All I want is a sports car. Let's not get carried away with the space travel. Wanda: You'll never have a Lamborghini, you weenie, because your brain is teenie. Brent: The moment's gone now. Davis Quinton: Truckers. Lacey: Oh. You have a run-in with one? Davis: No. But I've seen the movie, Convoy. Always got their ears on, goin' against the grain. Lacey: They seem nice. Davis: All the trouble we go through trying to maintain the grain and they just go against it. Lacey: They tip well. Davis: They attract a bad element. Well, I'm not takin' any guff. This Smokey Bear is takin' a stand. Lacey: Smokey Bear? Davis: Yeah. Cops are Smokey Bears. You know, the movie, Convoy? I got it on Beta, if you wanna watch it. Oscar Leroy: Hey, I heard there's truckers. Ooh. Lacey: I see what you mean about the bad element. Karen Pelly: First of all, as chair of the Play Park Fundraising Committee, I would like to thank you both for volunteering. Emma Leroy: This is a sham. I should be Chair. I've always been Chair. Karen: This year I'm Chair. They wanted to shake things up a bit. Emma: I'm twice the Chair that you are. I'm almost a couch. Brent: Okay, hey, let's not argue, all right? We all got into this because the play park needs a little TLC. In many ways it's not a good play park. Emma: So, what's your big idea? Karen: I'm thinking raffle. Brent: Ugh, no, not a raffle. Emma: A raffle's terrible. Brent: You gotta guilt people into buying tickets and scam them with the old one for five, three for ten spiel, and if they only buy one, it gets all weird and uncomfortable. Emma: And it's messy, people get hurt. Karen: Fine. Any other ideas? Come on, ideas, people, anything ya got. Blue sky me. Brent: A raffle. Emma: We just killed that. Brent: Sorry, I panicked. Karen: Let's start brainstorming and spitballing. We need ideas, people, ideas. Hank: Hey, Brent, I just joined the Lamborghini Club. Brent: There's a bad idea. That's a start. Lacey: So, I haven't seen you guys here before. Tiny Joe: Word came down the trucker pipeline that this was a great place to eat. Lacey: Oh. Well, send word up the pipeline that I said thanks. Tiny Joe: Word only goes down the pipeline. Lacey: Oh. Well, fly it up the flagpole for me, then. Oscar: Ah, truckers, modern day nomads. I love 'em. Tiny Joe: Uh, my name's, uh, Joe, Tiny Joe. Lacey: I'm Lacey, just Lacey. Oscar: Truckers, I mean. Hate nomads. Rootless buggers. Tiny Joe: Do you know this guy? Brent: For the last time, I'm not going to a Lamborghini barbeque. Hank: That was the first time I asked ya. Brent: I'm trying to jump to the end. Wanda: It's not really Brent's scene. Stuffy doctors and lawyers, with money to burn. Nah, not Brent's crowd at all. Successful people. Brent: Hey, I'm successful. You know, the petroleum biz is a hot sector. Wanda: Ah, it'll just be wall-to-wall lonely rich people, most of them men, many of them single. Let's go! Oscar: Why can't I have a ride in your truck? Clint Eastwood had a monkey in his truck. Tiny Joe: Real truckers don't have monkeys, friend, not in the cab. They could be transporting monkeys, but even that's a little far-fetched. Oscar: Just one ride. I'll be quiet, quieter than a monkey. Tiny Joe: Only truckers and clients allowed in the cab. Oscar: Are you sayin' Clint Eastwood worked for a monkey? Brent: How about this for an idea? Jelly bean jar contest. Karen: So, people bring in their jelly bean jars and we judge them? Brent: No. We get a jar, fill it with jelly beans, people pay to guess, winner gets a prize. Emma: Would that raise enough money? The play park needs a lot of work. In a lot of ways, it's not a very good play park. Brent: Good point. We have to think big. Karen: I got it! Big jar! Brent: Lots of jelly beans. Emma: Slow down. You're losing me. Wanda: Why did you park so far away? Hank: I don't want them to see my truck. Wanda: None of us want to see your truck. Why do them any special favours? Hank: Get with the picture. If I had a Lamborghini, I wouldn't be drivin' around in a truck. Wanda: Wait a minute. Are you saying that we're supposed to own Lamborghinis? Hank: Okay, if you want to soar with the eagles, ya gotta pretend to be one. Wanda: So you're dragging me into a potentially embarrassing web of lies. Hank: Relax, there'll be food. Wanda: Oh. Wanda: A surgeon, huh? Wow. Hmm, your, uh, wife must be really proud. Lamborghini Owner #1: I'm divorced. Wanda: Really? Lamborghini Owner #1: She took every cent I have. Wanda: I was told there would be food. Lamborghini Owner #1: So what do you drive? Hank: Huh? Well, I, a Lamborghini. Huh? Lamborghini Owner #1: Uh-huh. What kind? Hank: Hmm? Kind? Oh, it's, uh it's a car, you know? It's not the truck kind with the, no, it's the I parked it far away, 'cause it's my Lamborghini and, uh, I didn't, uh, bring I don't, I don't have one. Wanda: I'd like to see ya weasel outta this. Hank: Wanda's got one. Lamborghini Owner #1: Really? Wanda: Nice weaselling. Lacey: Business is booming. Word travels fast on the trucker pipeline. Davis: It's all a ploy. Lacey: A ploy? Davis: Oh, they're ploying somethin'. I can smell it. They're not the only ones with their ears on. Oscar: I hired Tiny Joe to get a ride in his truck. Davis: Tiny Joe. The guy's not even tiny. Already ploys. Lacey: Whatcha haulin'? Oscar: Junk from the basement. But the point is, I'm a client, like Clint Eastwood's monkey. Lacey: Actually, Clint Eastwood rode with an orangutan. It's not a monkey, it's an ape. Davis: Passing an ape off as a monkey. You can't trust truckers. Lacey: You're passing yourself off as Smokey the Bear. Emma: That is a big jar. Brent: Yeah. It's hard to believe it was once full of pickled eggs. Oh, right. Like you two have never made a rash decision at a bulk food store. Emma: So how many are there? Karen: What, jelly beans? Emma: No, jars. Karen: Well, there's only one. Brent: So, you two are off to a good start. I'll let you count these beans. Karen: Aren't you gonna help? Brent: It's for the kids. Wanda: Wow. This is really nice. Is it yours? Lamborghini Owner #2: Couldn't be here without one. Nothing lower than a Lamborghini poser. So, uh, what do you drive? Hank: Oh, she doesn't want to talk about her car. I mean, we didn't come here to talk about cars. Wanda: A 2005 Murcielago Roadster. Lamborghini Owner #2: With the six-speed gear box and the double bearing transmission shaft? Wanda: No. You're still thinkin' Diablo. The Murcielago has a paddle shift and the shafts are triple bearing. You're married? Lamborghini Owner #2: Yeah. Wanda: Good luck with that. Hank: Hey, deviled eggs. Karen: This is tougher than I thought. Emma: Sssh. Counting. Karen: My mind keeps wandering. Emma: 334, 335.. Brent: That'll be 8.50. Emma: 850, 851... Karen: No, no. You're on 335. Emma: No, I was on 850. Brent: No. I said 850. Wes Humboldt: I thought you said 335. Karen: No, she said 335. Wes: How much are the groceries? Brent: 335. Emma: One, two, three... Davis: Hey, Trucker. You know how fast you were going? Tiny Joe: The speed limit? Davis: That's right, the speed limit, for ideal weather conditions. But the humidity is very high today and the UV index is...hey, I've never seen the inside of one of these. Is that the thing you pull to make the horn go? Tiny Joe: Yeah. Davis: All right! Tiny Joe: I'm really not supposed to let you drive. Davis: Let's see how fast we can make this baby go. Tiny Joe: Take it easy. Brent: Sheesh, it's like a belt buckle and ball cap convention in here. Lacey: Apparently I have good eats, or grits, or somethin' like that. Word travels fast down the trucker pipeline. Brent: Are they givin' you any trouble? Lacey: No, it's fun. I mean, sure, they're a little slovenly, but they're nice people. Trucker #1: Did she just say we were slovenly? Trucker #2: Yeah. Pass it on. Trucker #1: On the pipeline? Trucker #2: Where else? Emma: 187, 188, 189...are you eating them? Karen: A few. Emma: What's 189 minus a few? Karen: We should just do a raffle. Emma: Too hard. Karen: It's not hard. Drop some tickets off at the Senior Centre. Old people will buy a chance to win anything. Mertyl Runciman: It says here I could win a jet ski. Brian: I'm in! Brent: So, what number are we on? Emma: Four. Brent: Okay, why don't we just estimate? Karen: You can't estimate. You'll mess with the integrity of the whole jelly bean contest. Brent: Okay, uh, why don't we lie? Emma: You mean just make up a number? Brent: Yeah, exactly. We lie to everyone, like the way they faked the moon landing. If anything, this should be easier than that. Emma: It is for the kids. Karen: At least we could say we're not estimating. Brent: All right. Here's to our foray into the dark side. Ow, I hit a filling. Davis: Heya, Lacey. The Smokey Bear-Trucker feud is over. They finally took their ears off. Hey, where is everybody? Lacey: Uh, some-somebody might have said they were slovenly. Davis: You used the S-word? Lacey: The word spread pretty fast. The trucker pipeline, it's a double-edged pipeline. Hank: I told you we could pull this off if we thought positive. We make a pretty good team. Wanda: I make a pretty good team. You choke like Tennessee Williams on a bottle cap. Tennessee Williams choked to death on a bottle cap. Playwright. Wrote Glass Menagerie. I don't know whether it was a bottle of pop or what, but... Hank: Yep, pretty good team. Lamborghini Owner #1: Hey, you're not goin' already? We never got to see the Roadster. Wanda: Ah, and that's a heartbreaker. But, uh, well, maybe next time. Hank: That's a great idea. We live in a small town. You can all come out and see us. Lamborghini Owner #1: I'd like to see a small town. Lamborghini Owner #2: Unless there's gravel. Wanda: There's lotsa gravel. Hank: You can take the highway. I'll draw ya a map. Wanda: Ah! What a team. Hank: See what happens when you think positive? Wanda: Anyone have a bottle cap? Lacey: They all came back. What did you do? Davis: Well, let's just say I used their own pipeline against them. Lacey: What did you tell them? Davis: That this place has the best darn food on the prairies. Lacey: Aww. Trucker #1: Six weeks to live, huh? Davis: And she just wants to be around truckers. Is that so much to ask? Hank: Guess the jelly beans? Brent: Yeah, enigmatic, isn't it? How many jelly beans lurk within? Venture a guess, if you have what it takes. Karen: It takes $2. Hank: Oh, what the hey. It's for a good cause. Brent: In many various ways, it's not a good play park. Hank: Okay, here's my guess. More than 20. Karen: You have to be specific, give an actual number. Hank: But that's not actually a guess. Emma: Okay, I give up. You voluntarily cleaned out the basement. How is this gonna come back to haunt me? Oscar: I'm gonna get a ride in an 18 wheeler. Tiny Joe's shippin' this stuff for me. Emma: I see. Oscar: Best 200 bucks I ever spent. Emma: And there's the haunt. Hank: Don't tell me you're still upset because I told a buncha people about a Lamborghini you don't have and now they're all comin' out here to see it? Oh. I see, now that I've said that out loud, it does sound kinda bad. Wanda: We should just go. We should leave town and not be here when they get here. Could you forget I said "we"? Hank: Look, don't worry. I got a plan. Check it out. They come out here, we shoot the breeze, and then we show them the Lamborghini. Wanda: What Lamborghini? Hank: We get one. Wanda: How? Hank: That's where you come in. Wanda: So your plan relies heavily on me having a plan? Hank: What? I worked it all out. You gotta do one thing. Tiny Joe: How ya doin', Sweetheart? Lacey: Oh, it's hoppin' today, but I'm holdin' on. Trucker #1: You plan to keep on workin', right up till the end? Lacey: Mm-hmm. Somebody's got to. Oh, it's not that bad, really. I can think of worse things. Tiny Joe: What a trooper! Lacey: Any-hoo. Brent: We're raising money for kids, lying to everyone. This plan has it all. Emma: Well, let's just keep our mouths shut about the lying, like we took an oath. Brent: Sure, an oath. Karen: Yeah, yeah, oath. Lacey: Hey, how many beans are in that jar, anyway, more than 1,000? Brent: 1000? Way more than that. Davis: I bet that bean jar has 700 beans in it. Karen: Lower. Emma: Between 700 and 1,000. But keep it quiet, like you took an oath. Lamborghini Owner #2: Corner Gas. So you, uh, own a chain of these? Wanda: I do own a chain, yes. Lamborghini Owner #2: I've never seen one before. Where are they? Wanda: Oh, corners mostly. Hank: Whoo! Ho-ho-ho, that was awesome! Man! Finally, I get to ride in one of these! I mean, uh, I've ridden in Wanda's before, because she has one. Lamborghini Owner #2: Where is your Roadster, anyway? Hank: This is where the plan kicks in. Lamborghini Owner #2: What plan? Hank: I was talkin' to her. Wanda: You don't have to take that. Let's get him! Oscar: A word to the wise. There's more than 700. Lacey: More than 1,000. I got the inside scoop. Oscar: I got the inside scoop and there's less than 1,000. Davis: I thought I had a scoop too. Brent: All right, you got your entries filled out? Oscar: What the hell kinda bean contest are you running? Hank: Well, there it is, Wanda's Lamborghini. Now you saw it. Lamborghini Owner #2: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that's not a Lamborghini. Wanda: You know, sometimes things start innocently and then they just spin outta control and... Hank: Okay, you wanna see a Lamborghini? I'll show ya a Lamborghini. Wanda: Holy crap, a Lamborghini! It just always impresses me when I see it! Brent: No. No, we didn't lie. We were just operating off an estimate. Oscar: You can't estimate in a bean contest. Where's the integrity? Lacey: Emma, how could you let this happen? Emma: Don't look at me. She's the Chair. Karen: Yes, I was Chair. But you wanted a job done and we did it. And, yes, it was dirty and ugly. But that's how things get done in the charity world. You need people like us! Davis: We want our money back. Brent: What about the kids? Think how decrepit that play park is getting. Oscar: They got tetherball. Brent: Well, that's true. Kid #1: I hate tetherball. Kid #2: I wish this would break. Brent: All right, fine. Everybody gets their money back. Karen: I don't wanna be Chair anymore. And my last act as Chair is to make you Chair. What do we do now, Chair? Emma: I have a plan. Mertyl: It says here I can win a big jar of jelly beans. Brian: I'm in! Lacey: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You guys are leaving again? Tiny Joe: Well, all these fancy sports cars. This, this place is too upscale for us. It's time to move on. Trucker #1: We feel terrible, being that you're in a bad way and all. Lacey: How am I in a bad way? My way is fine. What is his deal? Tiny Joe: You're an inspiration. Davis: I don't like it. These sports car people, they play jokes on us cops. I've seen Cannonball Run. Lacey: Did you tell the truckers I was in a bad way? Davis: I don't think so. I said you were dying. Hank: So how'd you get a Lamborghini on such short notice anyway? Tiny Joe: Oh, we truckers have our ways. Tiny Joe: Outta the car, Showboat. Hank: God bless ya, Tiny Joe. Oscar: Come on. Clint Eastwood didn't keep his monkey waiting. Davis: Actually, it was an orangutan. Category:Transcripts